Friends and Allies

On By Sara's MusingsIn General, Spiritual Warfare, Thoughts on Christianity

With all the activities going on in our world today (e.g., two wars overseas, and the turmoil currently taking place on some of our college campuses here in America regarding one of those wars), I got to thinking about the distinction between “friends” and “allies.” Dictionary.com defines “friend” as follows:

  1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
    Synonyms: confidant, crony, chum, comrade
    Antonyms: foe, enemy
  2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter. Synonyms: advocate, backer
  3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile.
  4. a member of the same nation, party, etc.
    Synonyms: compatriot, confrere, associate, ally
    Antonyms: foe, enemy
  5. a person associated with another as a contact on a social media website: (We’ve never met, but we’re Facebook friends).

Dictionary.com defines “ally” as follows:

  1. a person, group, or nation that is associated with another or others for some common cause or purpose:
    Synonyms: confederate, partner
    Antonyms: adversary, foe, enemy
  2. a person who associates or cooperates with another; supporter.
  3. a person who advocates for or supports a marginalized or politicized group but is not a member of the group.
    Synonyms: helper, assistant, auxiliary, coadjutor, colleague, abettor, accessory, accomplice, aide, friend
    Antonyms: adversary, foe, enemy

Personally, I tend to not think of social media “friends” as being actual close-knit, personal friends (and often they are not even acquaintances except only online). No doubt some of our social media friends are close knit friends and/or family, but most social media friends (especially if they number in the hundreds, thousands, or millions if one is in the category of those who are famous) have no clue who we are (nor do we know who they are), let alone actually being a genuine friend of ours or theirs.

In an article published on PeopleCare Health Services titled, “Adversary, Ally, Foe or Friend?”, this article provides the following information that describes the distinctions between these two categories mentioned above along with two other categories (e.g., adversary and foe):

Have you wondered what classifies someone as an adversary, ally, foe or friend? Are your relationships with others conditional or unconditional? Do you have realistic expectations of those in your family, social circles and work groups that you encounter?

Adversaries are always against you and your best interest. Although it can feel that we have more adversaries than friends some days, the truth is that if we really look at who we perceive to be our adversaries, they are not always against us. Adversaries are truly rare and are unconditional relationships. Nothing you will do or not do will change the adversaries view of you or the outcome of their actions. A true enemy is always an enemy.

Allies and foes are virtually one in the same. Allies, while they might appear as friends, are not. They will work hard toward another person’s interest as long as it also serves their own, giving the appearance of being a trusted confidant. Once these shared goals are out of alignment, it can often seem that a close ally is now an adversary or a once trusted friend is now an adversary. Foes while once viewed as our adversaries, simply had other goals and therefore were working against us in a common struggle but are not an adversary, meaning they are not always against us. Once the struggle is resolved, they can very quickly change into an ally. Allies and foes are conditional relationships and they change based upon the circumstances. Both of these relationships are often misleading in that they have a heightened emotional component to them which can cause them to become intense and more powerful than they should.

Friends, like adversaries, are rare. Friends always have your best interest at heart regardless of their own well-being or circumstances. This relationship, just like adversaries, are unconditional and almost nothing you do will change the relationship.

If you look at your relationships, you might be surprised that the vast majority of them will fall into conditional relationships made up of allies and foes not adversaries and friends. By reconsidering the categories you have placed your relationships in, as well as analyzing yourself and how you are perceived and received by others, expectations and communication can grow without the intense emotion that can arise out of the misalignment.

People are genuinely good, but they may not have the same motivations or intentions that you have. Communication is never easy and life and people can get messy. Take the time to listen, understand, and contemplate others instead of being reactionary. Kind words are too often replaced by criticism and anger. At the end of the day when you are alone and look over your thoughts, words, actions, and deeds–do they make you proud or should you have handled them another way? The good news is that each day is a new start, so make tomorrow count. (Quote source here.)

Of the categories listed above, “friends” is the hardest to define as there are actually several different subcategories that fit under the definition of “friend.” In an article titled “The 7 Types of Friends,” by Draven Jackson, blogger, teacher and contributor on MomsChoiceAwards.com, she lists the following seven types of friendships (complete definitions for each type listed are available in her article at this link). The definitions listed below contain the first paragraph of each description in her article:

  1. Acquaintances: Acquaintances are people you don’t know very well, but that you meet frequently enough that they are more than strangers to you. Maybe they’re a friend-of-a-friend that you meet at parties, or maybe a stranger who goes to the same Wednesday dance class that you do and you talk to on occasion. (See article for complete description at this link.)
  2. Work friends: Work friends are people who are more than acquaintances, but not yet casual friends. Work friends are people you see regularly–possibly more than you see even your family or best friends–and they know everything about you. You tell them about how your weekend went, whether that one aunt of yours is still causing drama on Facebook, and when you aren’t happy. (Complete description here.)
  3. Casual friends: Casual friends are probably the type of friends we are all the most familiar with. These are people we hang out with semi-regularly for movie nights, drinks, or just a fun chill night at home. They message us to see if we’re busy, like our Instagram posts, and we have at least a few pictures with them from the fun things we’ve done together. (Complete description here.)
  4. Close friends: Close friends are a step up from casual friends because there is a certain level of depth in that relationship. These are the friends that we know we can call at any time and they’ll be there. There’s a strength and trust built into the relationship that makes it easy to talk to them about any problems that may have occurred between the two of you or any ways you may have been hurt by their actions. (Complete description here.)
  5. The One You Take Care Of: Of all the types of friends, “The One You Take Care Of” is definitely the most complicated. This friend is someone you once cared about deeply–maybe as a best friend or even a lifetime friend–but due to life experience, they’ve become someone you barely seem to know. Not to mention, they always call you to ask for help with their troubles but rarely ask you how you are or listen to your problems. In the end, it feels more like you’re their therapist than their friend. (Complete description here.)
  6. Best friends: Everyone needs a best friend, and therefore of the types of friends, I would say that this is the most important. Best friends are the ones you think about first when you need a partner in crime. They’re the ones you call immediately when something good (or bad) happens, and they always know exactly what to say. (Complete description here.)
  7. Lifetime friends: Finally, lifetime friends are by far one of the most special friendships on this list because they are the best friends you’ve carried with you longer than even you thought was possible. Maybe you aren’t together physically because of life and jobs and responsibilities, but they are always in your heart and on your mind. (See the complete description and the rest of her article here.)

As you can see, the definition for “friend” can be complicated (as are friendships in general). Next is the category of “ally,” and like the “friend” category listed above, there several subcategories listed under “ally”, too.

In an article titled, “The 7 Types of Allies: Which One Are You?”, by Charlotte Hughes, MS, CDP, SHRBP, who is the CEO and Principal Consultant of Inclusive Leaders Group, LLC, she lists the following seven types of allies (brief descriptions are listed below with complete descriptions available at this link). These definitions come from a work environment, but they can translate across the board into other types of social settings:

What is an Ally?

An ally is someone who is not a member of an underrepresented group, who is active and purposeful in supporting, promoting, and advancing real change to a marginalized group through a focus on inclusion, equity, and diversity….

Notably, being an effective ally does not mean one understands what it feels like to be a part of an underrepresented group, only that the ally is willing to support those individuals and provide opportunities for meaningful change.

Based on Karen Catlin’s “Better Allies” process, the tool sets out seven types of allies–Sponsor, Champion, Advocate, Amplifier, Scholar, Upstander, and Confidant.

  1. The Sponsor–A sponsor is an ally that vocally supports a person from a minority group and their work with the aim of helping boost the credibility and reputation of the person, especially in situations where the sponsor notices that the contributions of the underrepresented colleague are being dismissed or ignored. (See complete description here.)
  2. The Champion–A champion is an ally who champions for the inclusion of underrepresented groups in public avenues–such as conferences and industry-wide events, traditional media events, social media, etc.–with the aim of giving them greater visibility and sending a message to large audiences about the need for equity and inclusivity. (See complete description here.)
  3. The Amplifier–When an ally takes on the role of the Amplifier, that ally works to ensure that marginalized voices are both heard and respected. This type of allyship can take many forms, but is focused on representation within communication. (See complete description here.)
  4. The Advocate—When an ally takes on the role of the Advocate, that ally uses their power and influence to bring peers from underrepresented groups into highly exclusive circles. The Advocate recognizes and addresses unjust omissions, holding their peers accountable for including qualified colleagues of all genders, races and ethnicities, abilities, ages, body shapes or sizes, religions, and sexual orientations. (See complete description here.)
  5. The Scholar—When an ally takes on the role of the Scholar, that ally seeks to learn as much as possible about the challenges and prejudices faced by colleagues from marginalized groups. It’s important to note that Scholars never insert their own opinions, experiences, or ideas, but instead simply listen and learn. They also don’t expect marginalized people to provide links to research proving that bias exists or summaries of best practices. Scholars do their own research to seek out the relevant information. (See complete description here.)
  6. The Upstander—An upstander is an ally who chooses not to sit back and watch as someone from a marginalized group gets harassed or disrespected.  When they see action that they deem to be wrong, they take action against the wrongdoing. When someone makes jokes or comments that are offensive to people from a minority group, an upstander will speak out against such comments.  When they see someone from a marginalized group being treated unfairly, upstanders are not afraid to speak up and fight for the rights of this person. (See complete description here.)
  7. The Confidant—A confidant is an ally who creates an environment that makes people from minority groups comfortable enough to express their needs, frustrations, fears, and challenges. Confidants provide a listening ear without being judgmental, believing that the people from minority groups are being truthful with their stories. To be a confidant, you need to be ready to believe the experiences of others. Avoid the temptation to assume that such things do not happen simply because they have not happened to you, and avoid the temptation to be judgmental about the experiences of these people. (See complete description and the rest of her article here.)

The one thought that kept coming to my mind while I was putting this blog post together was how we should first think about what kind of a friend or ally we are to others before we start thinking about those we consider to be our friends and allies (or those who might be our foes and adversaries). It reminds me of what Paul wrote in Romans 12 (NIV). I’ll end this post with these words from Paul starting with verse 9:

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone….

Do not be overcome by evil . . .

But overcome evil . . .

With good . . . .

YouTube Video: “Bleed the Same” by Mandisa ft. TobyMac & Kirk Franklin:

I’m posting this YouTube video below in memory of Mandisa who died at home on April 18, 2024, at the age of 47. No foul play was suspected in her death. The following YouTube video titled, “Mandisa’s Father Tells What Led To Her Death During Her Celebration of Life | April 27, 2024,” is provided in her memory:

Photo #1 credit here
Photo #2 credit here
Photo #3 credit here